Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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