Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
