Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
All the doctor said was why
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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