Grow some girl-balls and come out already
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
