Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You're a waste of cheezeits
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
