That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize