This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
