did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Randomize
