Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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