loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
