I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
two words...techno handjob
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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