I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
