I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
