I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
