i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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