what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
