just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
