when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
