3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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