Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
