from now on my penis is your penis
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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