Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
