shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
