Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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