If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My ATM looks so different sober.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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