New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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