Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
