You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
