Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
