good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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