I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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