I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
