we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize