the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
