how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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