Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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