True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
