We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
