I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
