I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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