you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
