can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
