3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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