So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
