my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
