i was born a porn star she said
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
