remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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