You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
