have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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