life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Help. Why am I so naked?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
