I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Sacagawea was the original milf.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize