At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
