Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
She made me pour olive oil on her.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
