The maid of honor just puked.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
