i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
