I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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