please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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