Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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