Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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