btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize