There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
