don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
